


No place like home for the holidays

by incredibly_cold



Series: The Hamfam goes to college [13]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Father, M/M, Suffering, bad coming out experiences, not physically abusive though, self loathing based on sexuality, sorry for writing this bc it's nothing but pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 05:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6941086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incredibly_cold/pseuds/incredibly_cold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's time to go home for Christmas, and Henry Laurens wants his son to bring his new roommate. Of course, he doesn't realize that the roommate is also his boyfriend. It's time for the most stressful holiday season that John has ever seen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No place like home for the holidays

There was only one day left until they flew to Charlestown, and Alex had never seen John more anxious. Most of the time he was able to keep up some facade of calm, but when it came to going to see his family, he was a wreck. Over the past few days, he had emphasized the importance of pretending that they were totally straight friends. Alex was not to hold his hand, or touch him at all unless it was a fist bump, slap on the back, or otherwise clearly platonic action. He was especially not allowed to kiss him, even if they were alone.

 He wanted to be respectful of his boyfriend's wishes, but the last rule seemed a little unnecessary to him. What harm could possibly come from kissing him in private? They compromised that as long as it was only a quick peck, it was okay. Anything more and John worried that they might be caught.

As soon as they got to the airport, they were as stiff and formal as when they first met. That too was a little bothersome, but someone could very well be on their plane, and then be getting off at the same time. If they said anything at all coming out of the gate, they could totally blow their cover. If it would make John more comfortable though, the annoyance was tolerable. Even on the plane, when it would have been nice to hold hands or lean on one another, they kept their distance. John barely even looked at him. It was a practiced detachment that made Alex feel a little weird.

 Henry Laurens was not waiting for them at the gate, but there were four people who were immediately recognizable as John's siblings. They all had the same freckles and smiles. The youngest, a boy who was probably about eleven, was the first to greet them. He slammed into his older brother with a hug. One sister and the other brother joined him, while a third sister, probably the oldest under John, stayed back politely until they'd backed off enough to give him room to breathe.

 "Hey guys, how've y'all been?" It was funny to hear him talk without holding back his accent even a little bit. He was even using those southern words that he usually kept out of his vocabulary. He looked genuinely happy.

 "I've missed you!" The youngest spoke up. He looked the least like John, with lighter skin, nearly straight light brown hair, and dark eyes.

 "It was sweet how his boyfriend Ruffles his little brother's hair. "I've missed you too, James. I'm glad to be back." And in a way even that might have been true. It looked like his brothers and sisters weren't part of what he'd been dreading. "Where's dad at?"

 "I'm old enough to drive now, remember?" The sister who hadn't yet hugged him spoke up. Her hair was as curly as her older brother's, though a little better managed. It hung all the way to her waist. She had the same hazel eyes, but her skin was darker. That and her obviously muscular frame made Alex think she probably played sports. He'd have to remember that as a topic to talk about.

 John smiled at her, and she smiled back. They exchanged a quicker hug than he had with the others. "But isn't the traffic at the airport horrible? I mean, it's Christmas."

 "Andy drove us." The other brother piped in, effectively blowing her cover. He was exactly what Alex imagined that John would have looked like at fifteen or sixteen, except for his black eyes. He was also significantly taller.

 "Andy?" Alex's question seemed to remind them all of his existence and they turned around.

 "Andy works for my dad, he runs errands and stuff like that. Really nice guy, I think you'll like him." John explained. "Anyway, these are my little siblings. Marcy is the oldest, she'll be eighteen soon." he indicated the oldest girl, who regarded him a little nervously. She really was very pretty, with long eyelashes and high cheekbones. "Henry Jr is sixteen. You can call him Junior though, so he and dad know who you're talking to." The taller boy waved at him. "Mary is thirteen." He pointed to the other girl that Alex hadn't really looked at. She had dark eyes too, and tamer waves. Somehow she bore a strong resemblance to Junior while not looking a whole lot like John. "And this little twerp is James, he just turned eleven." He patted the head of the little boy who was currently wrapped around his waist. "Everyone, this is Alex. He's my roommate."

 "Nice to meet you Alex." James held out a hand confidently for him to shake. For having such small hands, it wasn't that bad of one.

 "Nice to meet you too. All of you. It was really generous of you and your dad to let me come out here and spend the holiday with your family." Alex couldn't help but noticing that James' boundless confidence was shared by none of his siblings. They all had friendly smiles, but Mary wasn't making direct eye contact with him, Marcy looked like she was just waiting for him to do something terrible, and Junior visibly deflated at the mention of his father's generosity.

 Living with John for almost a year had told Alex a lot about Henry Laurens. He was strict, but fair, according to his eldest son. He never raised a hand to any of his children, because he was kind and forgiving. He was, above all, a good man. Alex had also learned that he had either brainwashed his children into really believing that he was a good father, or he'd made sure they would never speak ill of him to another person. In reality, through all the praise, it had become very clear that he was abusive. Maybe not physically, as that would be hard to hide as a politician in the public eye, but verbally and emotionally for sure. Seeing the rest of his children, it was safe to say that James was the favorite.

 "Yeah, I told him that Alex was going to be all alone on campus over break, and dad insisted that I should invite him to come with me." John explained to his siblings, probably unnecessarily.

 Marcy nodded. "Well he's really excited to meet the guy whose housing he's been paying for. Let's get your bags so we can go home." Despite her smile and upbeat tone, there was the hint of a warning in her voice. He only recognized it because he's gotten used to John. It made him a little nervous, and he hadn't even met the guy yet. Going into this trip he'd been sure that it would be a breeze, but all of a sudden he was feeling very nervous about it.

 The traffic was awful, so the car ride took a long time. By the time they were finally at the Laurens house, Alex felt like he'd gotten to know everyone a little bit better. Andy was, indeed, a very nice guy. He was very sarcastic and swore a lot when people were driving badly. In the current level of traffic, that was nearly constantly. He also learned that Junior really loved John, and by extension, he automatically liked Alex. Any friend of his brother's was cool to him. Between the two of them, they did a good job of making him feel welcome.

 Things were different once they actually arrived. The Laurens house was as large and elegant as he'd imagined. It didn't fit John at all, he looked out of place among his family. Alex wondered if it had always been that way, or if he'd just changed while he was away at college. He didn't get a chance to ask, because a man who he immediately knew as John's father greeted them at the door. He hugged his son, and it almost seemed normal and comfortable. Someone who didn't live with him might not have even noticed anything off about his body language. Alex did though.

 Almost before he'd let go of his oldest son, he'd fixed his eyes on Alex. "You must be Alexander Hamilton. It's nice to finally meet you, I've heard a lot." His eyes looked so much like John's, but they were so much colder. There was none of the warmth in them that he would have expected from a man meeting someone who he'd chosen to support for almost a year. He was calculating, sizing him up. Checking out his investment. All the times that John had talked about his moving in as a charity and publicity move for Henry, and not one moment had proved it like when they met for the first time.

"Yes sir, it's nice to finally meet you." He lied. He was never good at lying. He already hated Senator Laurens, and he would have loved nothing more than to tell him to his face, but he restrained himself for once. This trip was about supporting his boyfriend while he had to be around his family. He had to be civil with all of them. "I've wanted to say thank you in person for letting me live with John. I don't know where I'd be now without your generosity."

 It was exactly the kind of thing that he wanted to hear, apparently. He smiled and shook Alex's hand. "I'm always willing to help a hard worker." Objectively, Henry was very handsome. In fact, he and all of his children were probably one of the most collectively beautiful families that he'd ever seen. That didn't stop the surge of disgust and hatred in his stomach when he looked into those hazel eyes though. "What do you think of South Carolina?"

 "Well, I haven't been here very long. It looks like there's a lot of people vacationing here, so it must be a nice place. It's a lot warmer than New York, which is great. I hate the cold." He kept a practiced smile on his face and generally tried to act like a person in a commercial. It was actually working surprisingly well.

 The senator laughed, almost like he was also pretending this was a commercial. "You'll leave here with a great impression of our home state. We'll practically have to force you back on that plane to New York."

 John forced himself into their conversation before they could get any farther. "No one knows how to show the best side of South Carolina like dad. I think we should put our stuff in my room though so that you can see the house." They had decided already that it would be fine to share a room. There was one spare bedroom in the house, but that would already be taken by his grandparents. It would be more convenient than having him sleep on the couch, and if anyone seemed suspicious, they could casually remind them that their dorm only had one room. They were used to sharing a space.

 "Of course, both of you should get settled in. We can catch up later." He seemed amiable enough as he tuned and went back inside, but it was hard to tell for sure. Alex pushed his thoughts on the subject from his mind and picked up his bag.

 John led the way to his bedroom. He didn't stop for his boyfriend to look around, just plowed straight ahead until they were there, and then shut the door behind them. Alex prepared for the worst, but he wasn't expecting him to look happy when he turned around. "That was great! I didn't think you could do it, but you actually made him like you!" It seemed like he might go in for a celebratory kiss, but he stuck to his own rules and kept it down to a hug. "This is going to be easier than I thought! We can do this." For the first time he sounded truly confident.

* * *

 It took all of five days for things to go horribly wrong. It wasn't even anything that either of them said. They were so careful. In their actions too, they were hyper-vigilant about every move. It really seemed like everything would be fine.

 "Come on, John, nothing bad has happened. We can kiss in the privacy of your bedroom." Alex was sure to keep his voice low so that they wouldn't be overheard. Not that being overheard was likely, it was well past midnight and they were in bed talking. Fully clothed, of course. It wouldn't do to have two straight men sleeping in the same bed if they weren't completely dressed.

 John smiled at him fondly, and it almost seemed like this was a lighthearted vacation. It wasn't, that was obvious from their distance. They were close, but not close enough. "I'll think about it." He whispered back.

 In the morning, they shared their first kiss since they'd left New York. It was brief, and they separated immediately afterward, but it was a start. After that, it happened more frequently. No kiss lasted more than a second, because John was afraid his father might suddenly burst into the room at any time, but it felt good to have back a little of the intimacy they'd been avoiding. That was the fourth day.

 It was predictable that things would go wrong. Alex hated to admit it, but things always went wrong with John. There was a lull in plans the next day, and the two of them went back to their room to hang out by themselves. It was easier that way, it gave them time to relax and be themselves. In hindsight, it might have been better to just hang out with Junior. With him, they could at least be a little more open about their opinions. Junior was very willing to discuss more liberal topics. They could be a little more affectionate with each other when it was just him. If he suspected that they were dating, he didn't say anything about it. They didn't hang out with him though.

 Henry had been busy all day, so they were a little more relaxed than normal. Maybe that's why John allowed Alex's lips to linger and one of his hands to rest on his hips. It was a mistake. It happened just as he'd been afraid it would. His dad burst into the room without knocking, and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of them. John immediately jumped away like he'd been burned, but it didn't matter. It was too late.

 There were several moments of complete silence. Alex could feel the sudden damp heat radiating off of his boyfriend. He could smell the sweat on the air. John was usually pretty calm about everything. He went with whatever happened. He'd never seen this amount of fear from him, and it made him more nervous. Without really noticing that he was doing it, he shifted himself so that he was between father and son, John just behind his left shoulder. He didn't want to fight Mr. Laurens, but if it came to that, he'd do it.

 "I don't believe this." The first words out of his mouth were surprisingly calm. "You were supposed to be the good one, the smart one. You've always been so good with people. I was proud of you. You were going to be a lawyer." He stopped talking again, his expression unreadable, and started to pace. "How could you do this to my family?!" He finally shouted.

 A glance over his shoulder told him that John had lowered his gaze. He was standing there like a little kid being reprimanded, hands folded in front of him and eyes on the floor. His back was straight and rigid. Alex was so used to John fighting even the slightest insult, seeing him accepting whatever his father said without any kind of resistance was bizarre and very worrisome.

 "You know who I am. Who we are. This family has an image to maintain, and I will not stand by while you ruin it!" He took a step forward and Alex did the same. It was enough to distract the older man, for a second, but it certainly didn't make things better. "And now this  _immigrant_ " he spat the word out like it was disgusting, "acts like you need him to defend you?" He turned to Alex with a glare that made his stomach turn. "This isn't your business, and you'll stay out of it if you know what's good for you."

 "It's my business if you hurt my boyfriend." He sounded a lot more confident than he felt, which he was thankful for.

 "I'm not going to hurt him, even if I want to." He growled. "It would look even worse than having a gay son. So back off." Alex did, though he didn't go far, just a couple steps to the side. He had a feeling that the kindness didn't extend to non-family members, and he knew that if any real fight started, John would get involved. He didn't want him to have to choose between fighting his boyfriend or his father.

 Unfortunately, that meant the heat was back on John. "You are disgusting, and you've let the entire family down. Your mother would be disappointed in you." A low blow. "And it wasn't enough for you to humiliate all of us, you had to do it in our own home. You brought your filthy ways into this house. You've eaten my food and slept on my bed, and you were lying to me the whole time. It's not the kind of thing I would ever expect from you."

 "I'm sorry." It was the first time he'd spoken at all, and he was barely audible.

 "I don't care. You've brought shame to this family for the last time." Henry's lip was wrinkled in disgust. There wasn't the slightest hint of pity or sadness in his cold hazel eyes. "I don't want to see you again."

 That was too much. He could see the words land like a physical blow to John, and he knew it was past time to step in. If John wouldn't defend himself then Alex would. "Sir, you don't have to like it or understand it, you don't even have to approve of it. Just don't be so harsh. You've raised him and taken care of him for twenty one years. He's your son, you have to love him no matter what."

 Henry looked between the two of them with a completely emotionless expression. "No, I don't have to do anything." His gaze fixed on John again, and Alex could see him shrink away. "And he's not my son anymore." Then he walked out of the room without another word.

* * *

 John couldn't stop sobbing for over an hour after that. Alex tried his best to console him, but it was hopeless. There were no words that could diminish the pain of having his father reject him like that. He'd spent his whole life just trying to be good enough, trying to stop being a disappointment all the time. It had worked for a while, but now all of that was gone. Every single thing he'd done with his life was meaningless now. Even the law degree that he was so close to completing had been for Henry's approval. John had no real interest in the law, he'd said so plenty of times. All that he could do was be there with him while he cried.

 Eventually he calmed himself down enough to breathe more evenly. His eyes were still swollen and red, and every breath shook, but it was something. He laid across the bed with his head in Alex's lap and just stared into space. He didn't say anything, just laid there and let his boyfriend run his fingers through his hair.

 It was hard to say how much time had passed, but eventually the door opened again, this time more slowly. Alex tensed up, ready to hit Henry Laurens in that stupid politician face, but it wasn't him. Junior stood in the doorway, looking at his older brother's face apprehensively. "Can I come in?"

Alex didn't know for sure if it would be okay, but he liked Junior. If any of the siblings would be welcome, it would be him. When John didn't speak up, Alex answered for him. "Yeah, sure. Are you okay if he asks you to leave though?" He wasn't sure that the miserable lump on his lap could handle having anyone in his family around. As an afterthought, he added a second condition. "If you give him any shit or are remotely mean to him, I will beat the shit out of you. I don't care if you're my favorite."

 The threat managed to make the younger man smile. "I wouldn't dream of it. Dad seems pretty pissed, and I take it that John's the one he's so upset with. You know, based on the crying. Now, I don't know what his deal is, but if it's a conflict with dad, I'm guessing he was just being an asshole again." That was what made Junior the best of John's younger siblings. He was the only one who wasn't afraid of his father. Unfortunately, the reason for that was because Henry was relentlessly mean to his middle child. After a while, his words must have lost their impact for him until he didn't care.

"Well, it sounds like you've got it about right. I hate him. I know I didn't care for him before, but I really really hate him now." Alex didn't bother to act like he didn't mind the man anymore, that time was over.

 Junior nodded quietly, eyes back on John, who hadn't so much as looked up from the bed. He shut the door behind himself and came over to sit at the foot of the bed in front of them. "Can I ask what happened?"

 "I'm not sure I can tell you. I mean, you'll probably hear about it soon, but I don't really want-"

 "I'm gay." John interrupted him. It was startling, to say the least. Alex looked down at him only to find that he was still staring blankly ahead of him at the bed. "I'm gay and I've been pretending not to be for years, and then I decided it was time to do something for myself for once and try to be happy, and this happened. Dad walked in and saw, and now he hates me."

 Junior's face turned beet red. "Dad walked in on you two having sex?!" He sounded absolutely horrified, and rightly so.

 "God no, we were kissing!" Alex clarified. "Although honestly, I think if we'd been having sex things might have gone better. He'd have been too shocked and humiliated to say anything at all. Well, I assume. I guess I don't know him well enough to say for certain though, do I?"

 Junior shook his head. "I don't know, it would be interesting to see. Maybe someday I could test it."

 "Doesn't it bother you?" John finally sat up, looking at his brother with nothing short of bewilderment. "I'm gay, Alex is my boyfriend. I'm disgusting. I let the whole family down." Even though Alex knew he was just repeating what his dad had said to him, it was still hard to hear him say it. Mostly because he knew that deep down, his boyfriend believed every word.

 To his credit, Junior didn't call him stupid or anything for thinking he'd be angry. "No, of course it doesn't bother me. You're my brother. Probably the coolest brother someone could have. If you like guys, then good for you." When that didn't seem to do the trick he continued. "If one in ten people are gay, and there are five of us, then there has to be half a gay sibling in the group. So, round up, and that's one. I've been waiting for one of us to come out for years. Figured it might take a while if it ended up being James or Mary."

 "You knew I was gay?" John's confusion hadn't seemed to diminish with the explanation, but at least he wasn't beating himself up anymore.

 "I knew that statistically one of us probably would be. Didn't know it was you, but I hadn't really ruled anyone out." Junior smiled encouragingly. "Anyway, being gay isn't wrong or anything. If dad can't accept you, then that's just him being a douchebag. You do more for him than he deserves."

 "Well, I didn't do enough. I couldn't just be the perfect straight son that he wanted. It's not like it's hard for other people, they just  _are_  straight. They don't have to  _try_. They don't have to  _work_  for it." He sighed in defeated. "It doesn't really matter anymore. After this, none of you are going to see me again. I'm pretty sure I'm not invited back."

 It was hard to believe anything could really happen like that. The whole thing was just so ridiculous. Threats and empty words, he would understand. Parents threatened to never speak to their children again all the time, but usually they got over it after a while. John was very confident that his father would never speak to him again. Alex didn't have any evidence to refute that, but it seemed impossible for a dad who had cared enough to stick around to just walk away like that.

 He was thankful when Junior hugged his older brother. "Maybe not, but we can come visit you. He doesn't care what I do anymore, so I could just drag everyone up to New York to see you any time I want. It's not the end of the world. Who knows, maybe he'll even decide that playing the part of the proud parent to a gay son would be politically advantageous for him. You could be his favorite."

"I doubt it, but thanks." John spoke with his head still resting on his brother's shoulder, but after a second he gave him a pat on the back and straightened up. "We should probably pack up so we can be out of here tonight. Thank you, for everything. For not hating me."

 "Hey, you don't have to say thank you for me treating you like a human being. I love you, no matter what." Junior knew that was his queue to leave, and he did without argument, like he'd said he would earlier. On his way out the door he stopped though. "I'll keep you updated on how things are around here until dad stops throwing this little tantrum."

 "Thank you."

* * *

 They were ready to leave by evening, but John couldn't leave without saying goodbye. Alex thought it was a bad idea, but he couldn't exactly try to talk his boyfriend out of saying what he thought would be his last goodbyes to his family. Hell, maybe if the whole family was there, they could get Henry to see reason. Junior had proved that at least one of them was a reasonable person. So, they waited for dinner, when everyone was seated at the table, and went in to say goodbye.

 The first thing that Alex noticed was the table. It had been something he'd marveled at when he'd first arrived. It was always set so nicely, with fancy dishes and a spot for everyone who would be eating. Tonight, there were two less spots than usual. That meant that Henry had already started excluding them from the arrangement. It wasn't the same as officially kicking the two of them out, but the message was clear. It took all his restraint not to go off on the man. The old piece of shit didn't even know how much he'd been spared for the sake of the son who he no longer acknowledged. Now wasn't the time to stop though, not for this ridiculous last goodbye thing.

 John stopped beside the table, directly across from his father. His father, who didn't so much as glance at him. "Alex and I are leaving." He said quietly, after a second.

 That was when Alex noticed the second thing. All of John's brothers and sisters were avoiding eye contact with either him or his boyfriend. Junior was watching his father closely, so he kind of had an excuse, but the other three had suddenly become transfixed by their plates and completely unresponsive to the outside world. He didn't even care if it was because they were afraid, it was infuriating. He felt his careful control starting to slip.

 The silence dragged out, no one willing to speak or acknowledge John in any way. Eventually he just nodded. "I'm sorry dad, I didn't..." His voice cracked and he stopped talking. Even from where Alex was standing back for moral support, he could tell he was crying. "I didn't want this. I never wanted this. I didn't want to disappoint you. I'm sorry."

 It was horrible to listen to. He couldn't do it, he really couldn't He had to say something, do something.

 "I know you don't want to talk to me, but I just want to say goodbye. That's all, not forgiveness, just a goodbye." John managed.

 Okay, maybe he could. Just a goodbye. Surely Henry could do that much. He was an asshole, and nothing he ever said or did could ever make up for this. But if he could just say goodbye, Alex could keep it bottled up until later, when he could write him a long email detailing why he was the embodiment of raw sewage.

 Silence.

 Henry didn't do anything. He kept staring straight ahead, straight through John like he didn't exist. It was too much.

 "What the hell is wrong with you?!" Alex heard his own voice without remembering any conscious decision to start talking. It was impossibly loud in the quiet of the dining room.

 "Alex-" John started to interrupt, but it was too late.

 "No, I'm sorry, I know I said I wouldn't do this, but I can't just sit there! What kind of a father are you, Henry?! You expect so much from John. He does everything for you. He doesn't even want to be a fucking lawyer, but he's becoming one because you told him to! And then he does one thing you disapprove of, and you pull this shit?!" He wanted to throw things, hit something, but he kept himself to yelling only. "You're awful. Absolutely horrible. It's no wonder he spent weeks panicking about this trip, it's because you're complete garbage!"

 "Please, just stop it." John had grabbed his arm, but he wasn't done.

 "I can't John, I can't let him do this to you. I've watched you go through too much shit for him to watch him disrespect you like this. Come on Henry, say something!" He didn't say something. He didn't move at all actually. He hadn't moved once, even when Alex started talking. It was pointless to talk to him, so he turned to the rest of them. All the younger siblings who had remained frozen and quiet like if they didn't do anything, they might be forgotten about. Even Junior was looking at his plate now. "Come on, help me talk some sense into him! You know this is stupid! You know this is ridiculous!"

 Nothing.

 "Junior, say something! You know this is wrong, why won't you do something?!"

 The hand that grabbed the collar of his shirt and jerked him back like a misbehaved dog took him by surprise, as did the absolutely livid expression on his John's face. "Alex, that is enough!" He said, more harshly and aggressively than he'd ever seen him say anything. Even when he got into fights, he'd never looked this angry. Alex felt himself shrinking away from him in genuine fear. His shirt was released, and his boyfriend's glare softened, marginally. "We're leaving."

 He didn't wait for an answer, he just left. Their bags were already by the front door, but he didn't pick them up or take them outside. Instead, he turned to Alex, still furious. "Look, I get that you want to defend me, and that's really nice, but don't you dare bring any of the rest of them into this shit! Especially Junior! This whole thing could be a miracle for him! He could stop being the family disappointment, because that's me now! Dad would stop picking on him all the time for everything he does. I know he likes to joke about it, but his life is shit here. I could do one last good thing for him as an older brother here, so don't make him choose sides. He doesn't have to agree with dad, all he has to do is shut up and let this happen." He stopped for a minute. Somewhere while he'd been talking, he had gone from rage to desperation, but now he was back to anger. "You might have just fucked it all up for him, so I hope you feel better now that you've run your mouth off!"

 Suddenly it made sense. And unfortunately, in this scenario, he was the bad guy. "John, I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

 It was like hearing his apology had taken all the fight out of him. "I know you didn't. He'll be fine. Eventually he'd probably stand up for me anyway. That's just who he is."

* * *

 When they got back to New York, John didn't tell anyone what happened. He pretended that everything had gone fine and that it was a pleasant trip. No one believed him of course. If it wasn't evident enough in the way he acted, the fact that they'd come back so early, before Christmas day even, was a sure sign. Alex didn't want to betray his trust, but he was also worried. John was always reckless, and this wouldn't help him any. He wanted their friends to help look out for him, so he told them, without letting his boyfriend know.

 It was difficult for them to know and not say anything. They found stupid reasons to bring his things like stuffed animals and flowers. They found ways to be around him all the time, so that he couldn't go off on his own and do something stupid. The Washingtons even had them over to spend the night on Christmas eve and celebrate it like a family. It was a sweet gesture, but John was numb to all of it.

 In one day he had lost his entire motivation to do the things he'd been doing all his life. No matter what any of them did, that would still be true. Like it or not, this was a bad situation for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Another one by me and not my friend, and with plenty suffering. Well, not plenty, because there's going to be a hell of a lot more. Sorry. You can follow/talk to me at incredibly-cold.tumblr.com. Comments are fantastic, and I will ask for them shamelessly. Please tell me what you think.


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